Mood swings

I fail to understand how a persons mood can change so drastically within such a small amount of time.

Had a relatively nice day - been to the zoo with my bro, cousin and their friend. The sun has been shining all day, and saw some lions face-to-face (well, they were outside of the car, but right on the other side of the window!).

Now, however, I am feeling very low. I turned down an opportunity to go out this evening, instead opting to sit around and mope about how I push everyone away and the state of my living conditions.  At least I have a roof over my head, so thats one thing I have now managed to push to the back of my head. There isn't much I can do about the first one at the moment, so I thought I would look for some helpline numbers and info on rape and sexual abuse. I don't think that was such a good idea. I've gone from good mood, to low mood, to kicking myself, to being beside myself and wanting to do something drastic.

Going to leave this here but may well come back to it later.

Irrational thinking

Thought process. Its a funny thing, really.

I've often been told that I read too much into thibgs.
That I'm paranoid. Its true, I am. I am convinced tgat people hate me.
I'm convinced that everyone in my life is going to hurt me.
I went for a drink with a friend last night. He's married. So now his wife and kids are going to hate me, despite the fact that it is all totally innocent.

Whilst in the pub, someone spoke to me and it sounded like'him'.
It scared me and I couldn't get out of here quick enough.

Friend drove me home, and we spent a time chatting in the car. Even being in a car alone with a male friend waa making me feel uncomfortable.
So now I'm on edge. I can't stop crying. Its juat occurred to me that I haven't spoken to my kids in over an hour. They are fine, they are playing beautifully. Thankfully. And they don't know I'm upset.

We are waiting for some friends to come over for lunch and playdatte. They are 30 mins late. Jow disrespectful is that?!

Always on my mind

So.. mission for yesterday: Half failed. I did get some of what I wanted to do done. I watched the X Factor!! And I did get an extra info page up here, so I guess I should say mission half accomplished. Yay.

I'm waiting to be picked up. I hate waiting. As I am always being told, waiting is not my biggest virtue. I HATE, HATE, HATE having to WAIT!! ARRGGGHHH!!!! I best be getting some sweets to make up for it :0) Tee hee....!!!! (Marshmellows, flying saucers and laces..).

Another sleepless night for me. How I love this feeling of tiredness. Living on the edge, ready to kill the first person who f**** me off. Love it.

What am I bothering with this? Is anyone reading this rubbish anyway? (Apart from you, dad!!).

I stole my landlords beer last night. Shhhh, don't tell him!! I'm sure they won't miss it. They have a huge barrell of the stuff. What is 4 pints in the great scheme of things. Bleedin nora - FOUR pints!!! How comes I don't have a headache?!! And how come I didn't sleep?!!!

Dad is on his way now and I am talking to him on the phone. I shall drop hints about how I need sweets. "DAD!!! I NEED SWEETS!!!".

Have a good day x

Kiatra in a whirl.

Good things do happen to me. I promise. I don't moan all the time. Honest.

Having not slept in a million years makes for a grumpy princess. Not even just a little bit grumpy. Grumpy as in the grumpiest grump from grumpy town. Ask anyone, they'll tell you.

I walked out of rehearsal yesterday. The same old thing.. stupid old git didn't turn up for rehearsal. Please bear in mind that we go on stage in TWO WEEKS. He has no clue as to what is going on. He doesn't give a shit that it affects the whole company. He's allowed to get away with it. So I walked. Told one of the committee members that I was outta there if they didn't get rid of twat-face and kept on walking. I didn't get very far, though. Mum came to get me. Which was a welcomed suprised. Good job it was her. Anyone else, I would have told them to get stuffed. But I'm not quite brave enough to say that to her. Nah, in all seriousness, I know it's affecting her, too, and I just couldn't leave her and dad in the lurch.

So, when this stooopid show is over, I am going to make sure that Mr Invisible 'I-am-untouchable' NEVER EVER gets cast in this company again, without the guarentee that he will be kicked out once he's missed more than a quarter of rehearsal time. GRRRRR!!!!!!!

(I have just realised what an over-dramatic spoilt child I sound like there. Oh well, this bitch is out to get her revenge!)

So, I mentioned that I haven't slept for ages. I just either don't sleep, or I have horrific nightmares. More about that later on as my blog developes. You'll get the idea, but there will be more information up very soon.

I am using my evening gathering information on 'sexual assault.' There will be references and links to other blogs in the hope that it may help other girls (and boys) that may have been affected in the way that I have.

 I'm going to join a gym. I have decided. And I AM going to shift this weight. I'm not fat, just so you know. I'm wide. Tis true. I was told by a darling 5 year old girl. Love her.

Mission for today: Get some info up on here. And watch the X Factor. Bring it on.