Mood swings

I fail to understand how a persons mood can change so drastically within such a small amount of time.

Had a relatively nice day - been to the zoo with my bro, cousin and their friend. The sun has been shining all day, and saw some lions face-to-face (well, they were outside of the car, but right on the other side of the window!).

Now, however, I am feeling very low. I turned down an opportunity to go out this evening, instead opting to sit around and mope about how I push everyone away and the state of my living conditions.  At least I have a roof over my head, so thats one thing I have now managed to push to the back of my head. There isn't much I can do about the first one at the moment, so I thought I would look for some helpline numbers and info on rape and sexual abuse. I don't think that was such a good idea. I've gone from good mood, to low mood, to kicking myself, to being beside myself and wanting to do something drastic.

Going to leave this here but may well come back to it later.

Irrational thinking

Thought process. Its a funny thing, really.

I've often been told that I read too much into thibgs.
That I'm paranoid. Its true, I am. I am convinced tgat people hate me.
I'm convinced that everyone in my life is going to hurt me.
I went for a drink with a friend last night. He's married. So now his wife and kids are going to hate me, despite the fact that it is all totally innocent.

Whilst in the pub, someone spoke to me and it sounded like'him'.
It scared me and I couldn't get out of here quick enough.

Friend drove me home, and we spent a time chatting in the car. Even being in a car alone with a male friend waa making me feel uncomfortable.
So now I'm on edge. I can't stop crying. Its juat occurred to me that I haven't spoken to my kids in over an hour. They are fine, they are playing beautifully. Thankfully. And they don't know I'm upset.

We are waiting for some friends to come over for lunch and playdatte. They are 30 mins late. Jow disrespectful is that?!

Always on my mind

So.. mission for yesterday: Half failed. I did get some of what I wanted to do done. I watched the X Factor!! And I did get an extra info page up here, so I guess I should say mission half accomplished. Yay.

I'm waiting to be picked up. I hate waiting. As I am always being told, waiting is not my biggest virtue. I HATE, HATE, HATE having to WAIT!! ARRGGGHHH!!!! I best be getting some sweets to make up for it :0) Tee hee....!!!! (Marshmellows, flying saucers and laces..).

Another sleepless night for me. How I love this feeling of tiredness. Living on the edge, ready to kill the first person who f**** me off. Love it.

What am I bothering with this? Is anyone reading this rubbish anyway? (Apart from you, dad!!).

I stole my landlords beer last night. Shhhh, don't tell him!! I'm sure they won't miss it. They have a huge barrell of the stuff. What is 4 pints in the great scheme of things. Bleedin nora - FOUR pints!!! How comes I don't have a headache?!! And how come I didn't sleep?!!!

Dad is on his way now and I am talking to him on the phone. I shall drop hints about how I need sweets. "DAD!!! I NEED SWEETS!!!".

Have a good day x

Kiatra in a whirl.

Good things do happen to me. I promise. I don't moan all the time. Honest.

Having not slept in a million years makes for a grumpy princess. Not even just a little bit grumpy. Grumpy as in the grumpiest grump from grumpy town. Ask anyone, they'll tell you.

I walked out of rehearsal yesterday. The same old thing.. stupid old git didn't turn up for rehearsal. Please bear in mind that we go on stage in TWO WEEKS. He has no clue as to what is going on. He doesn't give a shit that it affects the whole company. He's allowed to get away with it. So I walked. Told one of the committee members that I was outta there if they didn't get rid of twat-face and kept on walking. I didn't get very far, though. Mum came to get me. Which was a welcomed suprised. Good job it was her. Anyone else, I would have told them to get stuffed. But I'm not quite brave enough to say that to her. Nah, in all seriousness, I know it's affecting her, too, and I just couldn't leave her and dad in the lurch.

So, when this stooopid show is over, I am going to make sure that Mr Invisible 'I-am-untouchable' NEVER EVER gets cast in this company again, without the guarentee that he will be kicked out once he's missed more than a quarter of rehearsal time. GRRRRR!!!!!!!

(I have just realised what an over-dramatic spoilt child I sound like there. Oh well, this bitch is out to get her revenge!)

So, I mentioned that I haven't slept for ages. I just either don't sleep, or I have horrific nightmares. More about that later on as my blog developes. You'll get the idea, but there will be more information up very soon.

I am using my evening gathering information on 'sexual assault.' There will be references and links to other blogs in the hope that it may help other girls (and boys) that may have been affected in the way that I have.

 I'm going to join a gym. I have decided. And I AM going to shift this weight. I'm not fat, just so you know. I'm wide. Tis true. I was told by a darling 5 year old girl. Love her.

Mission for today: Get some info up on here. And watch the X Factor. Bring it on.

Stress, stress, stress

Wow. What a week its been.

* Our lovely director has walked out, due to the demented ape that is chairing the committee.

* Covering director has decided to change pretty much half of the show - with 4 weeks to go. Which is stupid, when you consider that half the chorus didn't know what the hell was going on with the little bit that they had to do before. "Acting? Whats acting?".
Jeez.
Mum got really upset today at rehearsal, and that made me really sad.

* My normally angelic angels turned into the spawn of Satan for the last two days. I kid you not. I'm sure I saw O's eyes turn red at one point. Unfortunatly for him, I wasn't backing down. Unfortunatly for me, he wasn't, either. You try reasoning with a head strong 3 year old, while 20 month old is having the tantrum from hell. O decided he was NOT going to sit on the naughty step, finding it a game. He won. I couldn't be arsed. 25 minutes later, he's sound asleep in bed.

* I missed a really important meeting yesterday and now back to square one. It was unavoidable. However, if I wasn't so bloody pathetic, I would have gone by myself instead of insisting that my dad hold my hand. Oh well. I'm sure that the Angel Gabrielle will smack me later.

There have, of course been some nice things happening:

* I sang at an open mike night. And I loved every second of it.
* Went to a theme park on Monday.

Tomorrows mission: Spend an entire day without any tears. Ha bloody ha.

Ouch. Head.

Am never drinking again. Ever.

Concert: Went ok. We sang to a grand total of 10 people. But the singing went well, for the most part. Apparently my duet was good (Jo was fab, i'm too jealous!), and mum and dads quartet (minus one) was beautiful. Shame my Aunt decided to start in the wrong key. Hey-ho.

Was great to see some friends who performed in the last concert. Big up to them for coming, cos nobody else in the society bothered. We should hit them all with a big stick.

After the concert, am standing around with the girls having a glass (ok, a bottle. The first of many) of white wine, and Jon, a performer in last show, came over to chat. Lots of compliments about duet, casual conversation about whats been happening, etc, etc. So he asks if he can pinch a cigarette and we step outside. Lots more compliments and general chat about the concert. Find myself thinking 'you know what, you used to give me the creeps but I quite like you now' when he asks for my number. He is coming to see my next show, so it makes sense to have my number.

More chatting. Then he kisses me on the cheek and says once again how he loves my voice and he'll see me in October. Just as he is walking away, he says 'can I take you for a drink sometime?'. SWOON. For the second time in a week. Whats going on?!!

More wine. Decision to go out on the town. The 3 of us girlies find a nice pub, loud music, etc. We hit the garden so I can smoke. And then we pull! Sweet as! 3 lads that look as though they are straight out of Boyzone. I don't think they liked that comment. My bad. More wine.

Think I drank the equivalent of about 3 bottles and rolled through the door at about 2am (?)

Mission for today: Diet.

Mission for yesterday: Diet. Failed.

Time is running out for lover-boy

Well, he hasn't rang. How can I marry someone who hasn't even called. He's got until 6pm tonight. And then am filing for a divorce. For real life.

The joys of ready meals

I love cooking. Would cook all day every day if I could. Never used to be much good at it, mind, and sometimes I spend more time on the phone asking advice than actually cooking the bloody meal. But still, I enjoy it, and the kids eat very healthily.

At this precise moment, though, I am kind of 'in between' properties. I'm not quite earning enough to move somewhere nice, as am only working three days per week. So right now, am renting a room in a house with a couple of crazies who believe that cleaning is bad for the soul. Think I am kidding? No way, Jose.
The kitchen looks something out of a horror movie. Can't even begin to explain. "So, clean it", I hear you say. My reply to you (other than the look and possible a punch on the nose) is that this kitchen is beyond cleaning. Seriously. So for now, it's ready meals and take-outs.

Mmmmm, ready meals. Tonight on the menu is lamb moussaka. Jolly nice it is, too - what there is of it. I decided on this particular meal, cos it was nice and heavy, and full to the top. In reality, of course,  once the bugger has been zapped in the microwave, it shrinks to half its size. Good job I also purchased a tub of Pringles (the potato variety). Unfortunatly, once I pop, I can't stop and this is going to add to the already hippo-sized arse and very wide hips. Sigh.

So, am now sat in bed with Pringles in one hand and wine in the other. What a slob.

Tomorrows mission: Diet.

Heigh Ho, Heigh ho, its off to work I go

He hasn't rung me. Why hasn't he rung me? He hates me! Am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, and I shall die a lonely, slow, miserable death.

Ok, ok, so thats going a bit far, and the 'incident' only happened 9 hours ago.

Will be sitting on my phone ALL day. God, I'm excited!!!

Am going out to work with my Dad today. Quite excited about it! Feel like a 6 year old thats going to work with her daddy for the first time, cos she badgered and badgered and badgered him, and he's had enough of the whining and given in. Actually, that sounds exactly like the situation for real life! Except am not really 6. Damn. Am such high maintanence that dad is probably already pulling his hair out and wishing he hadn't agreed to let me go with him. Mwa.ha.ha.haaaaaaaaaaa. Tried to reassure him that am on bestest behaviour. Not sure he was too convinced by my promises. Oh well. Have managed to be out of bed for 40 mins and so far  haven't wound anybody up. *Makes mental note to try harder*

Has anyone noticed that its bloody cold! Heating needs to go on, but as I live in a house with 'eco friendlies' I think the chances of having heating this side of Christmas is as likely as the pope offering me a jelly baby. Mmmm, jelly babies. I wonder if my lovely Dad will buy me some sweets on the way to my house?


Taken 2 minutes to type that and James STILL hasn't rung. Poor me!

UPDATE: Dad has just called to say that it's going to rain so we are not going to work. Dammit.
Todays mission: Failed

Final rehearsal before D-Day..

Well. What fun.

I am performing in a concert in 2 days time. I LOVE singing. Did I tell you that? I'm not sure. But I do. It's a fact. However, after this concert, I am never singing again. Never.
Ok, I probably will, due to the fact that my life revolves around music. But I will make sure that I am fully prepared next time I commit to a concert/show/play/whatever. Stress levels have shot through the roof, and it feels like I have no idea what the hell is going on. My bad.

Went for a drink after the run-through. That was quite nice, except I get the feeling that I wasn't meant to be there.  Instead of sitting in the corner quietly and behaving like a good little girl, though, I moaned about everything and everyone instead. Still, I wasn't the only one. Maybe moaning is good? Maybe I should learn to keep my gob shut? Yeah, thats the best option. Is it going to happen, though? Is it heckers, like. I do it on compulsion. I can't help myself. I think I was born to annoy people. Its my calling.

So, after nice drink, Mum and Dad drop me at the station, and I decide to get in a cab, cos I can't be arsed to get a train, and I don't like wandering the streets by myself late at night. So train is best option. Definately.

As I stand outside, smoking a cigarette and waiting for my cab, something VERY weird happens and, as I write this, I have the biggest smile on my face. I am thinking to myself, as I am smoking said cigarette, that I must give up smoking, sort my life out and find a nice young man (or lady. I'm not that fussy to be honest) to settle down with. Can driver comes out, tells me not to put my fag out as he would allow me to smoke in the car. Dammit, maybe I'll give up tomorrow.

So, I get in the car, with cigarette, and as we are about to pull away, the bloke who works in the office runs out and stops us. In short, there is a bloke who needs a cab to somewhere in the general vacinity of where I live, and would I mind if he jumps in our cab. Well, when I saw him, I could hardly refuse. He was bloody gorgeous. I mean, like, really.
So, fit man gets in the car. We start chatting. He is working with the pope (yes, really) this weekend. Well, he is selling merchandise at Hyde Park, so i'm not making it all up!

Let me wrap this up a bit. His name was James and he told me I had the most beautiful smile in the world. SWOON. Now, anyone that knows me will surely testify that I am no oil painting. But he made me feel special. And when he asked if I would let him have a cigarette.. well, lets just say I was as happy as if he asked me to marry him! So I get out of the car, and start walking up the garden path, and I hear him call after me. He wants my number! Oh my God! I've known this man 2 seconds and I want his babies!

So.. I am now sitting here checking my phone every 2 seconds and wondering why the love of my life hasn't texted me!
Night night!

It's a beautiful autumn day. The sun is shining and the birds are singing.

Over the past 4 weeks, I have moaned on and on about the lack of sunshine. I mean, a real lack of sunshine. I would like someone - anyone - to explain to me why I love Britain so much. I thought I would come up with a list, but it was so small that I needed a microscope to read it.

Have been promised a day at the beach when we have a sunny Monday (I don't work Mondays). Have we had a sunny Monday? You guessed it. Cue lots of sulking and incessant whining about no Brighton trip. Personally, I think he is bloody mean to not take me anyway, but no amount of pleading and begging will change his mind, so I may as well give up now.

Where was I? Oh yes. I have spent the summer moaning about the predictable British weather. It's a beautiful day, and yet here I am, sitting in bed, trying to think of something remotely interesting to write that someone, anyone, may be interested to read.
Mission for today: Failed.